How honest is Philadelphia? Let's let tea tell us!
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
This will totally go according to plan.
theinspirationroom.com
The bottled beverage company Honest Tea is conducting its fifth annual “National Honesty Index” in all 50 states to determine “how honest people are when no one is looking.”
Somewhere in the city on Monday, Aug. 4, the company will put unmanned kiosks stocked with drinks next to clear boxes asking people to pay $1 for them. So if you’re in the market for some cold tea (may I suggest Moroccan Mint? It's delightfully refreshing) and you're a thieving jerk, know that you just might stumble upon the chance to get a free bottle, paying only the price of making Philly look that much worse in national studies of shit.
Back in 2009, two employees from Honest Tea left a cooler full of tea in San Francisco with a sign asking people not to touch them. (Lol.) They watched from across the street and the cooler was emptied in 15 minutes. Because duh, humans are the worst.
Presumably because Honest Tea has a lot of extra bottles of tea lying around that they don’t care about people stealing, they took this test on the road across the states. According to their website, in 2010, of the eight cities in which they conducted the experiment, 89 percent of people paid for beverages. In 2011, out of 12 cities, 94 percent of people were honest, probably because people found out about the experiment and want their city to look good.
Oh, except when the CEO’s bicycle was stolen in D.C. during the experiment last year. (Lol.)
Also last year, those goody two-shoes in Alabama and Hawaii were honest 100 percent of the time, which seems, I dunno, a little unbelievable? Perhaps I’m just cynical. If I’m being honest.
It seems the study will compile data more about particular demographics, like “Are men more honest than women?” and “Does hair color or the weather play a role in someone’s honesty?” To get that kind of data, someone’s got to be looking, right? And unless that money collection bucket/box is anchored down through the core of the Earth, that's going to be gone in about .4 seconds, too. So these “unmanned kiosks,” we guess, will actually be only feet away from two Honest Tea employees hiding behind bushes in ski masks, furiously scribbling on notepads.
Oh, also last year — women were honest 95 percent of the time compared to men at 91 percent, blondes were more honest than brunettes (yeah, okay, but were they even natural blondes?!) and people with long hair were more honest than people with short or medium hair. (But where does medium hair stop and long hair begin? So many questions.)
Right now, you can also do a frankly hilarious little quiz called “Who’s more honest? You or your friends?” based on the company's demographic data. Under the “accessories” category, be sure to select enormous, face-obscuring sunglasses and the black fedora, for the maximum “I’m definitely up to some shady business” effect.
I compared me, who looks like this (I have no eyes unless I’m wearing shades, I guess):
To my “friend,” who I decided is Frank Underwood from House of Cards last season:
Surprise! I’m 93 percent honest, and Frank’s only 92 percent! That wily bastard, we all know what he did while wearing that fedora! Honest Tea, you sure this is all totally legit?
The nationwide results will be released on Aug. 19. Let's see how we do. Don't steal any bikes, okay?
