rabble rousing

Speech, speech!

Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
Speech, speech!

Spring means graduation season is coming up soon which makes me want to give life advice. Maybe it's because I'm in the sweet spot between the Oscar speech I'll never have to give and the commencement speech that I'll also never have to give.

You may be wondering what qualifies me to give life advice. I've been gainfully employed since 2003, I've been married over ten years, I'm raising two kids who fall somewhere between horrifying and cool, and I'm a Pisces. I'm not going to elaborate on how being a Pisces qualifies me because you're either the person who nodded your head all 'cool, I feel that' or you're the person who snarled your lip all 'what the fuck'. You're either with me or confused by me, and I've advised myself to be fine with both reactions. Zen, bitch. 

Here, in no particular order and seemingly without a plan, is the way I feel about some shit. 

RELATIONSHIPS: Everyone has a bag of shit. Yes, including you. We've all got wonderful qualities, and they're offset by the shit bag. There are a ton of legitimate reasons to end a relationship, but if you're going to break it off because of some stupid little habit that you feel like you can't possibly handle living side by side with for the next 50 years, you should probably know that your next partner will come equipped with a new shitty habit to fill that slot. 

KIDS: If you decide to have kids, you'll have wonderful life experiences, but you'll miss out on a lot of really cool stuff too. If you decide not to have kids, you'll have wonderful life experiences, but you'll miss out on a lot of really cool stuff too. Pretty much the same deal, but with kids there will come a time where you have to sniff-check your belongings to figure out where the poop smell is coming from. 

CAREER: When I first started out as as graphic designer, my portfolio was made of oversized boards that I'd present standing up. After an interview that I thought I nailed, I realized that my fly was down the entire time. I was standing, and the interviewer was sitting, making my crotch and his line of vision about the same height. My underwear? Hot pink. If a dipshit like me can convince multiple companies to hire me, you'll be fine. 

COMMUTING: If you have to take public transportation, don't use your body and your bags to claim more space than you need. If you're driving, don't be that guy that speeds up so people can't merge. In both cases, you're just being a dick and everyone knows it. 

HOBNOBBING: Read. Read articles, books, websites, blogs. Fiction, non-fiction. Make yourself a source of random information and you'll be able to small talk your way into friendships, acquaintances, maybe even a job. 

CLOTHES: If you fall in love with something on the hanger, and it doesn't fit you, don't buy it. It won't get cuter because you paid money for it and brought it home. I relearn this lesson daily while trying to get dressed. Let me help you help me help you. 

In conclusion, Kids — the Golden Rule will get you everywhere you need to go in life. Except that time it didn't. But that's a story for another time. (How I Met Your Mother reference, totes topical for the win!)

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