Vice praises Philly punk scene, must point out that Philly still blows
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
YOU GUYS this is just like that guy who told us he loved us, but then kidney-punched us and ran off with our coat?
The photo of the Menzingers in this screenshot is by Rachel Del Sordo.
Brooklyn person Dan Ozzi, of Vice's new music offshoot, Noisey, loves Philly! So much so that he did a roundup titled "Philadelphia has the best punk scene in the country right now."
But no, he hates Philly! He spends 85% of the piece detailing how much Philly sucks, starting in the first sentence with:
Philadelphia is an unrepentant shithole of a city where humanity goes to die, or at the very least, have its mother insulted.
I'm speaking in generalities, of course. In general, Philadelphia is America's loud, obnoxious, red-pinstriped anus—a place where an entire population of high school dropouts unite in their worship of a fictional character from a boxing movie that came out 40 years ago.
Oh. But he loves Philly! He eventually gets around to his point, which is:
...the Philly scene is on fire right now, producing band after band putting out good music and building a close-knit community.
And then does a legit roundup of legit bands, ssssssssome of which we'd classify as punk. (Little Big League?) But he hates Philly!
...somewhere among the GED mouthbreathers who can't pronounce the word "egg" to save their fucking lives is a thoroughly amazing city populated by a ton of talented people.
But he loves Philly!
(Just kidding, I love Philly. See you at Wawa.)
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS this is exactly like that time we dated that guy who took us out to dinner, but then kidney-punched us and ran off with our coat and SEPTA card? But then he sent all these really sweet text messages the next day? And on our second date he told us he thought he might be falling in love with us, if only we weren't so goddamned fat? And then he sent us one of those fruit-bouquet thingies at work, but then he stole our phone and texted a photo of his dick to our little sister? God, we think we might have been in love with that guy.
Incidentally, Ozzi's bio on the site describes himself like this:
Dan Ozzi is an editor at Noisey covering all things punk, even though he kinda hates punk.
He is totally secretly still into us, you guys!!!!
(City Paper secretly loves Dan Ozzi. That red-pinstriped anus line was gold. Shut up, Dan Ozzi. You are worthless Brooklyn garbage. No, we actually do love Dan Ozzi. Or we would, if Dan Ozzi could just lose some goddamn weight. <3<3<3<3)
