Where to cry in Philadelphia

After reading this New York magazine story about a Tumblr account featuring the best and worst places to cry in NYC, a conversation started up around here about doing the same in Philadelphia. Surely our town has its own share of criers. But where do they go? And why? Well, it turns out somebody in City Paper’s extended family is kind of a wahficionado. This person agreed to a quick interview, provided we keep it anonymous and don’t say anything too mean. We started off by naming some likely Philly sob spots and asking him/her to rate them. Then we got personal.

1. Philadelphia Museum of Art

Privacy: 3
Ambience: 9
Likelihood of being interrupted: 8
Inspires crying vs. BYO baggage: Inspires crying

Notes: Some well-meaning tourist will likely ask why you’re bawling in front of the Medieval armor, but if you relocate to the Impressionist section, you’ll be left alone. When you’ve had enough, take to the stairs and let the wind dry your tears.

2. Market East

Privacy: 8
Ambience: 1
Likelihood of being interrupted: 1
Inspires crying vs. BYO baggage: Inspires crying

Notes: Curl up in one of the poorly lit corners or find a bench at the end of the platform. The roaring trains and shuffling feet will make your crying only audible to you.

3. IKEA cafeteria

Privacy: 4
Ambience: 5
Likelihood of being interrupted: 4
Inspires crying vs. BYO baggage: BYO baggage

Notes: The bright lights sting sensitive eyes, but the smells provoke a nausea complementary to sobbing. Babies can often be found wailing here, so you’re in good company.

4. A bench in Rittenhouse Square

Privacy: 2-7 (depends on the season)
Ambience: 7
Likelihood of being interrupted: 2-7 (also season-dependent)
Inspires crying vs. BYO baggage: BYO baggage

Notes: Wear sunglasses in the summer when someone is more likely to try consoling you.

5. PECO Energy Building waiting room

Privacy: 1
Ambience: 2
Likelihood of being interrupted: 2
Inspires crying vs. BYO baggage: Inspires crying

Notes: The lighting is perfect for concealing your red eyes. Plus, people are too worried about missing their number being called to start a conversation with you.

6. Liberty Place

Privacy: 7
Ambience: 4
Likelihood of being interrupted: 3
Inspires crying vs. BYO baggage: too close to call

Notes: Auntie Anne’s pretzels never tasted so good.

7. Whole Foods (South Street)

Privacy: 5
Ambience: 6
Likelihood of being interrupted: 6
Inspires crying vs. BYO baggage: BYO baggage

Notes: If you go around dinnertime, most people are eating alone and too depressed to notice you. Whole Foods’ napkins are just soft enough to make for decent tissues and cucumbers can easily be procured to calm the swollen skin around your eyes.

8. Dave & Buster’s

Privacy: 9
Ambience: 2
Likelihood of being interrupted: 1
Inspires crying vs. BYO baggage: Inspires crying

Notes: If Hunter S. Thompson ever cried, it would have been here.

9. Independence Mall

Privacy: 9
Ambience: 6
Likelihood of being interrupted: 1
Inspires crying vs. BYO baggage: BYO baggage

Notes: Either bury your face in the grass or shield yourself behind some shrubs. Not many people are around, so you can wail like those widows in Greece.

10. Market-Frankford El

Privacy: 2
Ambience: 2
Likelihood of being interrupted: 2
Inspires crying vs. BYO baggage: Inspires crying

Notes: Everyone’s too busy dealing with their own shit to care.

 

Furthermore…

What are your favorite places in Philly to cry?

At Broad Street Diner, the veteran waitresses don’t ask questions, and when you’re ready, disco fries with gravy quickly calm the nerves. It’s also open 24/7 for whenever the need to tear up strikes you. The CVS at 15th and Chestnut is also a good spot. It’s never too crowded and if you need to snap out of a crying spell, there’s usually someone there to remind you that things could be a whole lot worse.

Do you want to be interrupted/consoled by strangers?

Not really. I cry because it’s therapeutic — if I didn’t, I’d start fights — not for the attention.

What do you cry about, usually?

My fading youth, missing dogs, the cruelty of man.

What makes you stop crying?

Liquor, heavy food or witnessing an act of kindness.

You’ve lived and traveled quite a bit, how does this city rate as a crying destination?

In every city, there is a place where sobbers can find sanctuary. The difference lies in the quality of the tears. In New York, crying comes naturally. In Lima, it’s done out of desperation. In LA, it’s showy and not entirely honest. Here, it’s a rarity and sometimes a necessity.