'The Bag Man' finds DeNiro and Cusack in Dullsville

City Paper grade: D

A ridiculous attempt at a stone-faced crime thriller, David Grovic’s marble-mouthed movie would have benefited from a little intentional levity, as laughter seems to be the most efficient way to power through it. World-weary hit man Jack (John Cusack) lands a gig with crime boss Dragna (Robert De Niro) to transport a leather bag to a remote motel, with explicit instructions not to peer inside. The contents of this sack are meant to serve as a Pulp Fiction suitcase-like dangling carrot for the entire feature, but whatever little intrigue is there gets shot to shit by a mess of dull performances and self-serious dialogue. The introduction of characters like Rivka (Rebecca Da Costa), a mysterious woman trying far too hard to be mysterious, and desk clerk Ned (Crispin Glover), who’s one big insufferable nervous tic, makes things worse. But there’s nothing more miserable than the “big reveal!” twist, which you’ve got to think has kept De Niro up for at least a night.