The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
"'Twas a pale, flopping garter snake."
[+2] A local Kickstarter campaign encourages women to draw penises accompanied by six-word stories of their encounters with them. “’Twas a grower, not a show-er.”
[-2] Large rust holes discovered in the Walt Whitman Bridge lead to a no-bid $2.7 million contract to repair it. “What is this about ‘repair’?” cries the Walt. “Just like a leaf of grass, a large rust hole is no less than the journeywork of the stars.” Up river, the Ben rolls its eyes.
[-1] Police are still searching for a naked man seen jogging in New Castle County, Delaware. “’Twas a pale, flopping garter snake.” (Six words!)
[0] Supporters of Scottish independence hang a Scottish flag over the side of the Ben Franklin Bridge. Up river, the Betsy rolls its eyes.
[+1] Mayor Nutter and mayors from Houston and Los Angeles launch the Mayors’ National Climate Action Agenda, which will focus on reducing carbon emissions. Step one: Shut down Houston and Los Angeles.
[+1] A Jack Russell terrier that went missing from the Philly area is located in Portland, Ore., thanks to an implanted microchip, and will be shipped back. “Only, from now on I require locally sourced puppy chow and fair-trade squeaky toys,” he says. “Also, every time I drop a Brownstein I’ll need you to deposit it in my jenkem barrel.”
[+1] Plans are announced to install an observation deck on the 57th floor of Liberty One. “Wow, you can really see the middle of the Comcast building from here!”
[-2] Eagles fans brawl with each other in the stands during Sunday’s game against the Redskins. “Your penis story was seven words long!” “I was using ‘gnarly-looking’ as an adjective so it’s hyphenated and therefore just one word!” “It ends in ly so it’s an adverb and should never be hyphenated, fuckface!” “This is war!”
This week’s total: 0 | Last week’s total: -7
