The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
Jokes about the news.
[+4] Mayor Nutter says he will sign a bill that decriminalizes possession of small amounts of marijuana. Offenders will now be issued a $25 fine and a stern scolding from the mayor himself.
[0] An actor is removed from a TV spot for gubernatorial candidate Tom Wolf after word gets out that he once acted in a “torture-porn” horror movie. “From now on, I’m going to vet all of our marketing materials personally,” says Wolf’s chief of staff, Jigsaw.
[-1] Northern Liberties burger restaurant PYT posts a picture on its website of a receipt showing Eagle LeSean McCoy left a 20 cent tip on a $60 order. “In my defense,” says McCoy, “I was pretty sure I was at a McDonald’s.”
[+1] Around 3,000 people participate in the sixth annual Naked Bike Ride this year. Which means it’s the one-year anniversary of the time Bell Curve had to explain to a co-worker what a taint is.
[+4] Following a lawsuit, Norristown revokes a nuisance ordinance that punishes landlords and tenants for calling the police more than twice in four months. Also, 911 is no longer a toll call and stabbing victims can now take up to 90 days to clean up their messes.
[+2] Sen. Robert P. Casey Jr. co-sponsors a bill for the NURSE Act, which stands for Nurses for Under-Resourced Schools Everywhere. “Let me tell you we really struggled with the E,” says Casey. “Almost didn’t even propose the damn thing. Gotta have a sweet acronym. That’s huge.”
[+1] A portion of City Hall’s renovated Dilworth Park, featuring a Jose Garces café and a large fountain installation, opens. “Now that we have installed proper food and plumbing amenities, I would personally like to invite Occupy Philly to move back in,” says Mayor Nutter. “Now mic check: Who wants to smoke this bowl with me?”
This week’s total: +11 | Last week’s total: +4
