The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
You mean Ol' Handsy's not an official mascot?
[+1] Ex-Eagles player Ron Jaworski and coach Dick Vermeil are part of an ownership group establishing an arena football league in China. Yeah! It’s about time China imported one of our cheap knockoffs for a change.
[+2] The white Fishtown construction worker who taunted his black co-worker with a noose is found guilty of ethnic intimidation and is sentenced to jail time plus a visit to the African American Museum. Then it’s off to the Seaport Museum to learn how to make some less offensive knots.
[-2] Police say an aggressive panhandler was scaring families outside the Please Touch Museum. You mean Ol’ Handsy’s not an official mascot?
[-1] SEPTA says its 24-hour service costs $34,000 per weekend. “Hey, we’re SEPTA: The only thing we run better than trains is a deficit.”
[0] Six Flags Great Adventure apologizes for denying entry to the ex-Marine wearing a shirt that reads “Keep calm and return fire.” The ex-Marine seemed to take it all in stride, which is what worried everybody.
[+1] Rapper Beanie Sigel is released from a federal prison and sent to a halfway house. Wait, rapper? We thought he was just, like, a famous prison inspector.
[-2] A Delaware man being arrested for a gun charge is accused of kicking a police dog while trying to escape. He has been sentenced to death by the Internet.
[0] Pat’s Steaks installs the first neon sign in its 84-year history. Geno’s immediately initiates the Vento Protocol, which calls for “the building of a 1,000-foot lighthouse on the roof which shall remain there until such time as science invents the technology to lasso the sun and affix it to an awning.”
This week’s total: -1 | Last week’s total: +9
