The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
7 jokes about this week's news.
[0] SEPTA estimates that 5,800 people rode the subway during its new overnight weekend service. And, what a coincidence, they’re all interns on unpaid blogging assignments.
[-1] A drunken man rescued from the ocean in Seaside Heights, N.J., punches one of the lifeguards who rescued him. Which is quite the faux pas in that area! A punch is Jersey for “good-bye.” Customarily, a surprise nutgrab means “thank you.”
[-4] Teens film themselves punching a 58-year-old homeless man waiting at a trolley stop in Upper Darby and post it on Facebook. “Granted, I am injured and badly shaken up, not to mention deeply disappointed that this world, which has already taken so much from me, has found a new way to break my heart yet again,” says the victim. “But I must say, it’s interesting to learn that the knockout game is real.”
[0] According to a new study, Phillies fans are the most demanding in terms of “win sensitivity,” essentially meaning we are front-runners. Weird thing is: We read that twice and we felt nothing whatsoever. They’re like six games back. Who cares?
[-5] Rumor has it that Suburban Station will be renamed Verizon Station via corporate sponsorship. “SEPTA cannot comment at this time,” says Monster Energy Drinks Presents: a SEPTA Spokesperson, before whispering, “By Mennen.”
[+2] Some Chickie’s & Pete’s servers will receive as much as $45,000 because of tips withheld by the owners. To make up for the loss, management plans to sue the servers every time they write “Crabfries” on an order slip.
[+1] President Obama signs an executive order forcing SEPTA’s striking train engineers and electricians back to work. “Put a pot of coffee on, my fellow Philly.com commenters. I’m sure we can find a way to hate this move if we just put our slimy, misshapen heads together.”
This week’s total: -7 | Last week’s total: -10
