The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes

9 jokes about this week's news.

[-2] Handyman Anthony Flora, who worked on the set of MTV show Snooki & JWoww, is suing Harrah’s casino in Atlantic City after security guards allegedly beat him unconscious. Society is prepared to call it even.

[-3] Flora is the sixth person to file a suit against Harrah’s alleging that its security personnel attacked without provocation. “We are simply following protocol,” says the head of security, an angry bee. 

[+5] Councilman Jim Kenney’s proposed marijuana bill would make possession of pot punishable by a $25 fine payable by mail. And due whenever.

[-4] A North Philly woman says a neighbor’s row house containing buckets of human feces is causing her and her family respiratory issues. “Well, I find it refreshing,” says the landlord, a fly. 

[-3] Nonprofit public-interest news site AxisPhilly to shut down Saturday after a two-year run. Public’s non-interest in news is cited.

[0] Several local news outlets report that three men stole hoagies from a Wawa in Logan Circle. Nice work, guys. Maybe we don’t need AxisPhilly after all.

[-2] PennDOT’s $211.7 million project to widen I-95 begins its second phase, and is expected to cause traffic delays near Fishtown and Port Richmond. So there’s another reason.

[+1] Philly chef Jennifer Carroll, who competed on Bravo’s Top Chef  in 2009, will compete in a spinoff called Top Chef Duels. Basically they walk 10 paces, shoot and the winner cooks and serves the loser over risotto with a balsamic reduction.

[-2] A wife attacks her estranged husband’s girlfriend after tracking the pair via GPS to a Wawa in New Jersey. Which in New Jersey is a misdemeanor punishable by a $25 fine payable by mail.

This week’s total: -10  |  Last week’s total: -6