The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
9 jokes about this week's news.
[0] Mayor Nutter says the city will not attempt to host the 2024 Olympics because the timing isn’t right. “My fellow Philadelphians, you have to agree: We’re way more than a decade away from presentable.”
[+1] The Sixers say they are considering building a facility in Camden. If the players continue to play like they have been.
[+3] Philly-based actor David Morse is considering making a movie based around the prom at Pennsbury High School in Bucks County. “I’ll be in it, of course,” says Morse. “Only for about 10 minutes. Just long enough to be like ‘Oh yeah, I recognize that dude.’”
[-1] A shipwreck diver from Doylestown is being held in jail in Honduras on gun-smuggling charges. “I just thought of a better idea for a movie,” says David Morse.
[-2] The state House passes a bill that permits Pennsylvania schools to post “In God We Trust” on school buildings. “Just fund your fucking schools,” says God.
[-3] A Delaware County man is charged with stealing $350,000 worth of human skin grafts from a Philly hospital between 2011 and 2013. Everybody thought he was just a normal, mild-mannered jerky salesman.
[-1] Sightings of black bears are on the rise in Bucks County. Snooty polar bears reach over and lock their car doors.
[0] The new “Towns of the Philadelphia Countryside” marketing campaign encourages people to visit destinations outside the city. It was created by bears.
[-3] A former South Philly body-shop owner is accused of defrauding auto-insurance companies by creating “fictitious deer accidents” using pieces of deer carcasses. He’s facing a lengthy prison term and a Knight Arts Foundation grant.
This week’s total: -6 | Last week’s total: +1
