The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[-3] The Streets Department says it has already filled 35,000 potholes, double the number it usually fills in a year. “So, to save money, we’ve been filling them with little rocks and confetti and ice cubes.”
[+1] A pumptrack — a race course consisting of bumps and hills for bicyclists to ride and do tricks on — opens up in West Philly. And on every street everywhere else in the city.
[-2] A truck carrying 460 bee hives overturns on I-95, freeing thousands of bees into the area. “Look at these idiots, attacking the driver,” said one bee, gesturing toward his swarm. “What are they so angry about? They’re free. Plus, it’s like YOSO, dudes. You only sting once. Is that a dated reference? I’ve spent most of my life in captivity.”
[-1] Cleanup crews use foam to contain the swarms of bees, part of a plan formulated in the ’90s, but never used until then. They didn’t read the fine print: “ATTENTION BEE CLEANERS OF THE FUTURE: The Killer Foam Protocol should only be enacted if the Earth is not, at the time of the accident, running out of bees for some reason. If that is the case, just let the bees fly around outside because why not? P.S. HOOTIE RULEZZZ 4EVR!”
[-2] A Catholic school principal in Bucks County apologizes for using a photo of Ellen DeGeneres on an invitation to a graduation dance with an Oscars theme, because the TV star “lives her life outside the teachings of the Catholic Church.” Say, isn’t unlicensed photo use some kind of sin?
[-2] An unknown wire-chewing animal is blamed for an outage in North Philly that knocked out power to 2,000 households. Philly Police launch an aggressive mynock stop-and-frisk program in response.
[+10] A federal judge overturns Pennsylvania’s ban on gay marriage, making this the 19th state to recognize same-sex marriage.
This week’s total: +1 | Last week’s total: +2
