The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[+1] UPenn grants seven honorary degrees this year, including one to alum John Legend. Not sure what’s worse: That a multimillionaire who’s married to a supermodel just got for free what everybody else has to spend four years and $200,000 on — or that he already had a degree from Penn, so this is just an extra one he can display at parties.
[+1] Mayor Nutter decries the old Traffic Court system, saying it “had to die and go away” and that the new court “will rise from the ashes of a tainted justice system and provide true justice for all.” And then the mayor launched into this sick, doomy bass riff. Long story short, NütterGrammite is dropping a record called Dead-End Court on Relapse in the fall.
[+1] Philadelphia lawyer Francis Alexander Malofiy says he will file a copyright-infringement lawsuit against Led Zeppelin for allegedly stealing a “Stairway to Heaven,” riff from deceased guitarist Randy California. “I sure hope this Randy fella gets what he’s owed,” says the ghost of Blind Willie Johnson (1897–1945).
[0] In the 40 years since the Flyers last won the Stanley Cup, they have the highest regular-season winning percentage in the NHL. Which earns them a little honorary Stanley Cup they can display at parties.
[-1] Former Princeton University President William Bowen, the commencement speaker at Haverford College, called students “immature” and “arrogant” for protesting the previously chosen commencement speaker. Everyone agrees that this Bowen guy should, immediately following the ceremony, go eat a gigantic bag of dicks.
[-2] A man shot in North Philadelphia begs to be let onto a SEPTA bus for a ride to the hospital. Unfortunately, he had to stand, as all the seats were already occupied by other gunshot victims.
[+2] A local computer engineer says he plans to build a national museum in the city dedicated to Italian culture. It will be called “South Philly.”
This week’s total: +2 | Last week’s total: -1
