The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[-5] Camden City School District announces it will lay off 206 teachers. As for the rest of them, better luck next year.
[0] Bradley Cooper’s ex-wife, actress Jennifer Esposito, refers to the Philly actor as a “master manipulator” in her new memoir. Later she remembers she doesn’t know Bradley Cooper; she just watched Limitless a bunch of times.
[0] An anti-fracking protester interrupts a televised Democratic primary gubernatorial debate. And this activist’s message is so lucid and level-headed that it changes a lot of minds, leading to a groundswell of support for the cause and, eventually, a nationwide ban on fracking forever.
[+1] The Forbes Under 30 Summit, to be held in Philadelphia in October, will feature young bands, young chefs and a Shark Tank-style pitch session for young entrepreneurs. At the end, two pretty little shits will be crowned King and Queen SmugDouche and they’ll lead just the most arrogant and entitled parade of all time on a cloud of their own farts.
[+1] A mysterious group called TipsForJesus, known for leaving generous tips, leaves $5,000 for a waitress and $2,000 for a bartender at Rouge. “Oh good for them,” thinks a server from the Melrose as she walks to her car after pulling her third overnight shift of the week.
[+2] City Council is considering a bill that would ban pawn shops, check-cashing businesses and cash-for-gold stores in Center City. But casinos, sure, put ’em anywhere.
[+1] The Eagles sign undrafted kicker Carey Spear, nicknamed Murderleg. And an offensive lineman known only as “SuperHug.”
[0] An abortion counselor in Cherry Hill posts a video of herself getting an abortion on Youtube and writes about the experience for Cosmopolitan. You’ll find the article right after the spread on “10 Ways to Drive Him Wild by Fucking Him” and before “Have You Tried Maybe Putting a Finger in His Tush?”
[-1] The Philadelphia Eagles fire longtime public address announcer Dan Baker. Apparently he kept announcing that the Eagles lost.
This week’s total: -1 | Last week’s total: +2
