The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[+1] A Montco high school senior is surprised when Olympic snowboarder Shaun White suddenly accepts her invitation to be her prom date. A couple surprises later and she’s locked in Carrot Top’s trunk.
[+1] City Council is considering a bill that would discourage local pet sellers from getting their puppies from puppy mills. Kitten refineries and budgie-rendering plants are placed on notice.
[0] According to Action News, sugar-daddy arrangements (in which older men pay younger women for companionship) are popular in Philly. “What a co-inky-dink,” says Shaun White.
[0] Action News also says Temple is ranked fifth among fast-growing “sugar baby schools.” And demand peaks whenever it’s Parents’ Weekend at Wharton.
[-2] A deer runs up the Ben Franklin Bridge from the Philly side and is killed in traffic. “I just couldn’t let the poor thing cross over to Camden,” says hero motorist.
[0] Huffington Post names Philly the fifth-best beer city in the country. “Meaningless Listicle Document Created Via Template,” says Huffington Post spokesbot. “Creative Commons Image Displayed.”
[+2] Tyler School of Art student Lauren Hoover wins a manhole-cover-design contest for the Water Department. Everybody in her dorm agrees that “manhole” is a funny word.
[0] Two participants in the Broad Street Run get engaged at the finish line. Then they shared a sweaty, exhausted, dry-mouthed kiss that sounded like somebody stirring a bowl of potato salad with a feather duster.
[0] South Street Headhouse District encourages businesses to install security cameras, with the goal of having every block covered. This way when you grow up and try to deny you ever wore a dumb “Keep Calm and Chive On” shirt, we can pull up the footage of you buying the fuckin’ thing.
This week’s total: +2 | Last week’s total: -10
