The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[-6] Federal and local prosecutors decide not to pursue criminal charges against the cops who allegedly terrorized 22 Philadelphia bodega owners — as chronicled in the Daily News’ 2009 Pulitzer Prize-winning series “Tainted Justice.” Well, what do you expect with a title like that? Next time, try something more upbeat, like “Justice Possible” or “The System Works” or “Prosecuties! Meet 10 attorneys who fight for what’s right and look good doing it.”
[-2] TD Bank forecloses on Suzanne Roberts Theatre because Philadelphia Theatre Company stopped making mortgage payments. “So once again you come crawling back to me, seeking solutions,” says Suzanne.
[+1] UPenn researchers publish a study in Sleep Magazine about the restorative power of sleep among fruit flies fighting illness. “Yeah, and we’d like to thank you guys for always making us sick and sleepy,” says a local fruit fly. “You know our lifespan’s about three months, right? I had plans. I was going to write a screenplay about modern fruit flies who go back to medieval times and get into all kinds of wild adventures. Yeah, I saw Timeline. This was going to be better.”
[+1] Irish company S3 Group says it set up an office in Center City primarily to be close to Comcast. “We’re working on a machine that turns hubris into gold,” says an S3 spokesperson, “which we’ll then barter for wishes with the leprechauns back home.”
[0] A 19-year-old former Drexel student launches an advertising company that he says will soon use drones to fly banners around the city. “I know it sounds really dumb and annoying — and I know most of you are betting that it’ll never happen,” he says. Then he’s quiet for awhile.
[-4] Philadelphia is owed a half billion dollars in “nuisance liens” for demolishing or maintaining abandoned privately owned properties. “We’re ready to pay what we owe,” say local ghosts. “Do you accept ghost money?”
This week’s total: -10 | Last week’s total: +2
