The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
The city will soon crack down on people who don't show up for jury duty. Area scofflaws sigh, as they would prefer to scoff at laws from a distance, but suppose they could try doing it in person.
[0] Jocelyn Kirsch of the “Bonnie and Clyde” identity-theft duo, is held in federal detention, accused of violating her parole by shoplifting. “Oh yeah, she’s exactly like me,” says the ghost of Bonnie Elizabeth Parker, 1910-1934. “Well, except I was a badass outlaw, not a sorority chick with fake jugs who can’t even knock over a Nordstrom’s.”
[+1] The city will soon crack down on people who don’t show up for jury duty. Area scofflaws sigh, as they would prefer to scoff at laws from a distance, but suppose they could try doing it in person.
[-2] Police in Radnor warn residents not to fall prey to “gypsy” scammers after three males swindle an elderly woman out of $1,100 and spray her driveway with old motor oil. Yeah, that sounds like gypsies, all right. Reminds us of that spooky Stephen King movie, The People Who Did Random-Ass Shit for Not That Much Money.
[+1] Jenkintown Mayor Ed Foley chows down at all 24 eateries in his town in one day. Jenkintown Mayor Ed Foley has been in the bathroom for a very long time. You OK in there, Jenkintown Mayor Ed Foley?
[-2] Three men hold up a Target in Northeast Philly and get away with up to $30,000. Police suspect Mega-Gypsies.
[+2] Mayor Nutter says Philly police will no longer detain undocumented immigrants. “Even if they commit crimes. Officially, they will be treated like diplomats, and the law of the land will not apply to them,” Nutter continues. “Lame duck!”
[+1] Sofitel Hotel installs honeybee hives in its rooftop garden. And leaves an epi-pen on every pillow.
[+1] Wahlburgers — a burger chain owned by Mark and Donnie Wahlberg — plans to open five locations in Philadelphia. We’re fans of the The Right Stuffing, but recommend you avoid anything served on a Funky Bun.
This week’s total: +2 | Last week’s total: +4
