The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[-1] According to a Gallup poll, Pennsylvanians are among the most distrustful of their state government. Maybe it’s time we sat down with our representatives and hashed things out over a nice cold pitcher of flaming tap water.
[-2] A manager at Center City bar Fado claims that Penn women lacrosse players behaved rudely and left only a 4 percent tip on a $1,300 bar tab. “Uh, we’re on athletic scholarships,” says the team captain. “We don’t have to know how to do percents.”
[-2] According to the same Fado manager, Penn students have a history of disruptive behavior there, including using cocaine, having sex and urinating on the bar. When asked how Drexel and Temple students typically behave at Fado, the manager proudly asserts that they are “not welcome at this establishment.”
[-2] A fight between neighbors in Grays Ferry escalates when one assaults the other and dumps live rats into her home. Listen, Grays Ferry. If you want people to stop talking about the rat thing, somebody’s gotta take one for the team and have romantic relations with some cheese.
[+1] According to a new report, Philadelphia is second only to New York City in its percentage of commuters not using cars. And even though this is a fairly meaningless factoid that has little bearing on our daily lives, it makes us suddenly, wildly angry. Because fuck New York.
[-4] A 52-year-old man in Mayfair says he was beaten and tattooed against his will by his roommates, ages 19 to 27. “I expected better from my housemates,” the man sobbed, “who, by the way, are all varsity members of Penn’s women’s lacrosse team.”
[-1] The Philadelphia Police Department paid out $315 million in overtime from 2009 to 2013, with one detective earning $498,730 during that time. “How’s that even possible?” says the detective. “Sounds like we’ve got a real mystery on our hands. I’m gonna have to work all weekend on this one.”
This week’s total: -11 | Last week’s total: -2
