The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
The Malvern-based Acme supermarket chain says it's remodeling many of its stores to improve its "tarnished" brand. "First things first: We gotta stop marketing our stuff to coyotes."
[-3] Police say they fell victim to a “swatting prank,” causing them to send a SWAT team to raid a South Philly home to look for an armed assailant. “Looks like we were the real armed assailants. Really makes you think,” says one cop. “JK. When I find the guy that did this I am going to tase his dick off.”
[0] Jefferson Hospital leases the former site of Chops restaurant in Washington Square, part of what some are calling a turf war with rival Pennsylvania Hospital. “Now, who’s hungry? We found a ton of steaks in our new walk-in morgue.”
[+1] The Malvern-based Acme supermarket chain says it’s remodeling many of its stores to improve its “tarnished” brand. “First things first: We gotta stop marketing our stuff to coyotes.”
[0] Former Eagle and sports radio personality Garry Cobb announces he’ll run for Congress in New Jersey. “Hey G. First time long time. Just wondering if you are shitting me with this Congress thing. Thanks and I’ll take my answer off the air.”
[-2] Police are sent in to break up a fight between students at the School of the Future in West Philly. Alas, they arrived too early.
[-3] Five North Philly elementary school students are hospitalized after attempting to take part in the “Cinnamon Challenge” wherein people attempt to quickly swallow a tablespoon of cinnamon. Not a proud moment for the School of Past Memes.
[+1] UPenn’s Veterinary hospital is holding an online contest to name a foal born following the use of an advanced artificial-insemination technique on a horse named My Special Girl. “Know what? Let’s get me a better name, too,” says My Special Girl. “I’m tired of getting hit on by all these bronies.”
This week’s total: -2 | Last week’s total: +1
