The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[-4] A conflict-resolution specialist at Bartram High School is knocked out during a scuffle with a student. This resolved the conflict.
[+1] Police in Lower Merion encourage people out walking their dogs to serve as a neighborhood watch. “Surely you jest, constable. I am a King Charles Spaniel. I studied under Lord Barksly of Westminster. In the event I encounter a street tough, I assure you, I will immediately seek safe haven beneath a porch or chaise longue.”
[+1] The School District is opening three “innovative” high schools this fall. Which is kind of like the current “paperless” schools. It sounds high tech, but really, somebody just stole the paper and we can’t afford more.
[0] The Archdiocese is putting five Thomas Eakins paintings from its collection up for auction. “But we’re keeping the nudes. Fine art is a total porn loophole. God says.”
[0] The School District announces it will no longer use seniority as the main criteria when filling teacher positions. Bet that got your attention, you old bat. Yeah, you.
[+2] An amateur fossil hunter reunites half of a prehistoric turtle bone with the other half in the Academy of Natural Sciences’ collection. “WHO HAS AWOKEN GAMERA?” Gamera wonders aloud.
[+1] In his letter encouraging the pope to visit Philadelphia, Mayor Nutter calls the city “a microcosm of our nation and the world.” “I see,” said the pope. “Could I be pope of the moon, maybe?”
[0] Councilman Jim Kenney proposes installing slot machines at Philadelphia International Airport. “FYI, I’m basically just blurting out every single idea that pops into my head,” says Kenney. “Dogs should deliver the mail. Buses would go faster if they rode on tracks. Let’s fill the Wells Fargo Center with Chicken McNuggets.”
This week’s total: +1 | Last week’s total: +3
