The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[+2] City Council declares 2014 the “Year of the Veteran” in Philadelphia. It will celebrate with a year full of surprise fireworks displays.
[+1] Archbishop Charles J. Chaput, Gov. Tom Corbett and Mayor Michael Nutter will travel to the Vatican to attempt to convince Pope Francis to attend the World Meeting of Families in Philly in 2015. “I don’t know guys. I’m kind of the cool pope. How’s it gonna look if I start dropping Eucharist with a bunch of fuckin’ squares?”
[0] A church in Fairmount is chosen to host the city’s first “mass mob,” an evangelical movement started in Buffalo and inspired by flash mobs. I guess nobody told you guys: Our flash mobs tend to be pretty godless.
[+1] A statue of former Flyers coach Fred Shero will soon be unveiled outside XFinity Live. So, yeah, that’s who you’re peeing on, bro.
[-3] In a closed-door meeting, Democratic ward leaders choose Ed Neilson of the Northeast, ex-political director of the Local 98 electricians’ union, to fill the vacant seat in City Council. “It was either him or the inflatable rat,” says one ward spokesperson. “And we were worried what would happen if we put it to a vote. That rat knows everybody.”
[0] An industrial firefighting company that specializes in putting out “complex fires” says it’s considering moving to the Phil-adelphia area. Asked to expand on what his company does, the president says he doesn’t want to jinx it.
[0] Johnson & Johnson sells personal lubricant manufacturer McNeil of Fort Washington to a British company. Called Todger and Todger.
[+2] A Temple journalism student interning in Washington, D.C., breaks a major story about the CIA’s secret detention and interrogation program. Last week, a City Paper intern broke a major component of the Keurig and now we have to use the old gross coffeemaker.
This week’s total: +3 | Last week’s total: 0
