The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[0] Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey says that an officer’s side job running a phone-sex operation is not against the department’s rules. “So, next time you call 311, please press one for municipal matters, and two for, you know,” says Ramsey. Then he makes a fist with his left hand and starts sliding his right index finger in and out of it for what everybody agrees is an excessively long time.
[+1] Phillies minor league affiliate the Lehigh Valley IronPigs unveil new uniforms that are adorned with depictions of bacon. New merchandise will also soon be unveiled for the Clearwater LOLcatz and Lakewood Come at Me Bros.
[+1] An after-school program is making the sport of squash popular among Philadelphia schoolchildren. “I say, next year we’ll start a fox-hunting club,” says Gray’s Ferry third-grader Wedgeworth P. Foppington III.
[+2] Chickie’s & Pete’s agrees to pay $6.8 million to its workers for labor violations that include improperly taking tips from servers. “I assume you accept CrabCoins™?”
[-2] Pennsylvania state Sen. John Rafferty says SEPTA should buy PATCO. Yeah, or maybe the one that’s always clean, on-time and runs 24 hours should be doing the acquiring.
[-1] Philadelphia ranks as one of the worst cities for saving money, according to website gobankingrates.com. Not just for the servers at Chickie’s & Pete’s, but for, like, the entire city.
[+2] Councilman Jim Kenney says the renovation of Love Park should include an element for skateboarding. So, to recap: The revamped Love Park will include a fountain, a statue, a skate park, a food court, a parking facility, a sprayground, a velodrome, a gallows, a corn maze and an indigenous population of bunnies that always look cute and never poop.
This week’s total: +3 | Last week’s total: -2
