The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[-2] The FBI arrests 10 members of the Ironworkers Local 401 union chapter on racketeering charges. Unfortunately, no jail can hold them.
[+1] Jeopardy winner/IBM supercomputer Watson is currently in Camden, being used by a company attempting to aggregate information on the human genome. “Thank you for plugging me in — oh God. Oh no. Has there been a war? Or an earthquake?”
[-1] Twelve people are injured in one day during two separate crashes on the 84 bus route. A lot more passengers would have been injured were it not for SEPTA’s “Just Whiz Right by the Bus Stop” winter tradition.
[0] Comcast CEO Brian Roberts says that concerns about his company purchasing Time Warner Cable are unfounded, because of cable’s competition coming from satellite TV. “Granted, our satellite-blocking skyscrapers should remedy the situation a bit.”
[-2] A pileup involving 50 to 100 cars clogs the Pennsylvania Turnpike on Valentine’s Day. “It was more of a cuddle-up,” says a rumpled-up Smart car lying on its back with its hatchback flung wide and its doors akimbo.
[+2] Former Phillies Matt Stairs and Jamie Moyer will join the team’s broadcast team this season. “We’ve already worked out our responsibilities,” says Moyer. “Matt will call one at-bat in the eighth and I’ll do the rest plus a couple hours extra, whether anybody’s watching me or not.”
[0] Mayor Nutter says he hopes Comcast’s acquisition of Time Warner is approved. “And I also hope Brian Roberts enjoys my demo reel for MC Nutt-Nutt & the Ol’ School Rap Crew.”
[0] Several local organizations unveil a new slogan for the city: “P-H-L: Here for the Making.” This is an interesting choice because it doesn’t mean anything no matter how long you think about it.
This week’s total: -2 | Last week’s total: +1
