The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[-2] L&I orders the Shirt Corner property in Old City to be demolished as experts say it is nearing collapse. Right now, the only thing holding it up is starch and a giant purple blazer Steve Harvey never picked up.
[-1] Punxsutawney Phil predicts six more weeks of winter. “Stop calling me that, you guys!” says John Bolaris.
[-1] City Council is considering a measure that would ban the use of e-cigarettes at restaurants and workplaces. The Bell Curve staff is a little worried about what might happen if we start banning things because they’re a little annoying rather than because they’re dangerous. Sorry. Got serious there for a second. We now return to your regularly scheduled poop jokes.
[0] Geico airs a commercial during the Super Bowl in which the gecko dances the “cheesesteak shuffle” near Pat’s and Geno’s. Oh right, that’s the dance you do when you realize neither place has a restroom and you just fourth-mealed a log of cheese and grease the size of your arm. This was sort of a poop joke. Gecko poop.
[0] Northern Liberties wins a Gawker poll to name the hippest parts of Philadelphia. Coincidentally, Northern Liberties also wins the Gawker poll to name the parts of Philadelphia that enjoy Gawker.
[-2] Experts speculate that the same Fentanyl-tainted heroin that killed actor Philip Seymour Hoffman is also turning up in the Philadelphia area. Ugh. You just know somebody in this inferiority-complexed city is actually proud about that.
[-3] According to the New York Times, Philadelphia International leads the country in unreported flight delays. Or somebody else does. It’s basically impossible to know.
[0] Nebraska woman Molly Schuyler eats 363 wings to win Wing Bowl 2014. And it was the least disgusting thing that happened that day.
This week’s total: -9 | Last week’s total: +2
