The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
8 jokes about this week's news.
[+2] An Inky editorial endorses City Council’s proposal to reduce penalties for possession of small amounts of pot. And leaves the rest of the page blank for rolling papers.
[-4] Mayor Nutter calls City Council’s marijuana proposal a “simplistic” approach to a “tremendously complicated societal issue and challenge.” Adding: “Just say no.”
[-1] PPA issues a ticket to a man parking in Center City before he gets out of his car, in what the Daily News says could be the “fastest parking ticket on record.” Adding: “Nobody actually keeps records of these things, of course.”
[-2] A South Philly woman faces possible prison time for bringing her legally owned handgun to New Jersey, which doesn’t recognize other states’ carry permits. “I mean, they look familiar,” says Jersey. “But I, like, can’t place it, you know?”
[-1] A West Philly church that opened in 1887 will close and the future of the building remains in doubt since it has no “architectural, historical or artistic significance.” “Yeah, fuck that place,” says Inga Saffron.
[-1] The bomb squad detonates a suspicious device in a Dumpster in the Eraserhood that turns out to be a prop pipe bomb from a play. “It’s Theater 101, people,” says the bomb tech. “If you put a bomb in Act 1, shit better blow up before intermission.”
[+1] A local entrepreneur is developing a small alarm/flashing-light system people can wear in case of attack called Roar, after the Katy Perry song. “It’s technically not supposed to make whipped cream come shooting out of the wearer’s nipples,” she says. “But right now we’re treating it like a feature, not a bug.”
[+1] The Corbett administration gives a $5 million grant to the Art Museum, which will go toward its $350 million renovation project. “See that, you whiny teachers? I do it to everybody.”
This week’s total: -5 | Last week’s total: +8
