The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[0] Once it’s built, the new Comcast tower will be the largest building in the U.S. outside New York and Chicago. And that sentence was just named the whiniest factoid in the history of Philadelphia.
[+2] SEPTA says it will soon replace the cloth seats on the Market Frankford El with fiberglass seat panels. “Also, we’re gonna keep the same poo-n-bile color scheme. What? Blue? Are you sure? My god.”
[+1] Police arrest the so-called Swiss Cheese Pervert, a 41-year-old man from Norristown. “I’m setting the example. What I’ve done is going to be puzzled over and studied and followed forever,” he says. “Especially if somebody orders something with Swiss cheese in it, like a Reuben. I’ve pretty much ruined certain kinds of sandwiches for some people.”
[-2] Gov. Corbett nominates Councilman Bill Green to head the School Reform Commission, a move Mayor Nutter calls “perplexing.” “What’s that? No, I was just talking about the Dexter finale, which I finally got around to watching. So terrible it boggles the mind,” continues Nutter. “This School Reform decision, however, is pretty much par for the course for Corbett. The dude’s basically my personal Dark Passenger. That’s a Dexter reference.”
[0] A movie based on the Hot Wheels brand of toys will be filmed in Philly later this year. Director Simon Crane assures fans that all cars in the film will be able to fly when their doors are open.
[0] The Pennsylvania state Senate’s Judiciary Committee votes unanimously to ban the posting of revenge porn on the web. Whatever. The plots are better in clemency porn anyway.
[-2] A large sinkhole opens up in the middle of a street in Northern Liberties and swallows a Dodge Ram. Bell Curve staff hopes the city finds a permanent solution soon to this problem of people thinking it’s OK to live in the city and own a giant truck.
This week’s total: -1 | Last week’s total: -8
