The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[-4] The Phillies sign a 25-year TV deal with Comcast SportsNet. So now we all have to do the same.
[-2] North Philly residents complain that their neighbors dump feces outside and live in dangerous conditions. And West Philly residents do not.
[-2] Northeast Philly residents report smelling a noxious odor. And South Philly residents do not.
[0] The New York Times runs an opinion piece warning NFL teams not to pick up Michael Vick if the Eagles release him in the off-sea-son because of his dogfighting past.
It was written by your uncle, who’s about six months away from a hoarding intervention.
[0] Experts say the Rittenhouse Square building that’s currently home to Anthropologie could sell for $35 million. Or $12 million, if you remove all the decorative pillows.
[0] Disgraced Monsignor William Lynn is said to have lost 80 pounds while serving 18 months in prison. In his latest op-ed for the Times, your hoarder uncle praises Lynn’s dedication to fitness, but says churches should think twice before hiring the man to be their priest.
[+2] The Free Library buys the Rosenbach Mus-eum and renames it the Rosenbach of the Free Library of Philadelphia Foundation. Bell Curve predicts the following sequence of name changes: The Fillmore at the Rosen-bach (three months), The Rosen (11 months) and, finally, Anthropologie (ad infinitum).
[-1] A grocer in Haverford is stung by a scorpion that stowed away in a shipment of bananas from Honduras. “Uh, yeah, that’s one way to look at it,” says scorpion. “You could also be, like, ‘Innocent scorpion who was just chillin’ on a banana suddenly gets dropped a thousand miles from his mom and dad and little sister and is understandably a little agitated.’”
This week’s total: -7 | Last week’s total: -4
