The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[+1] Buzzfeed names Frankford Hall one of the most popular bars in America. Which is huge, considering Buzzfeed is tied for the most Pulitzers ever won by an all-listicle link-aggregation platform.
[-4] Northeast High is forced to cancel its simulated space mission program due to budget cuts. As a gesture of goodwill, students from Penn Alexander promise to send postcards from their next field trip to outer fucking actual space.
[-1] According to the Department of Health, the flu is “widespread” across the state. “Am I worried I’m spreading myself too thin?” asks the flu. “Of course. But in this business, it’s all about reaching out. Licking hands and sneezing on babies.”
[+1] Lankenau Heart Institute surgeon Dr. Francis Sutter performs his 1,000th robot-assisted heart procedure. “And, one day, I hope to do one on my own,” he says. “Like, if there’s a power outage or something.”
[+1] Readers of the Philadelphia Business Journal vote Drexel president John A. Fry is the Philadelphia Business Person of the Year. Buzzfeed agrees: “At first we thought he was crazy, but what happened next was that moment when your faith in humanity gets restored in five astonishing ways!”
[+1] Bond-rating agency Standard & Poor’s raises Philadelphia’s general-obligation-bond rating from an A- to an A+, the city’s highest ever. And all we had to do was stop educating minority children.
[-3] Dulary the elephant, a resident of the Philadelphia Zoo for 40 years, dies at a sanctuary in Tennessee. Her parting words: “Do not cry for me. I have led a rich, full life. I have walked all 1,200 square feet of this planet we call Earth. I have seen all seven trees. I have tasted every type of food you can imagine, from hay to vitamin pellets. And so I die with no regrets at the age of 50, which is surely the exact natural age at which an elephant should die.”
This week’s total: -4 | Last week’s total: -5
