The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
[+5] Anti-bullying activist Wei Chen wins a $50,000 Peace First prize. And there the little guy goes, happily walking home alone with all that money in his pocket, not a care in the world.
[-1] Local birdwatchers say they are disconcerted by the appearance of arctic owls in the area. Because ice hawks and orca-penguins are sure to follow.
[-1] Vandals attempt to burn down a Freedom From Religion Foundation billboard reading “Keep Saturn in Saturnalia” in South Jersey. But it seems like all sides agree with the “Keep the Anus in Uranus” slogan.
[0] The state legislature passes a law that pays hunters and trappers $25 for each coyote they kill. So far, the biggest payouts have gone to bears.
[+2] The Art Commission approves sculptor Stephen Layne’s design for a Joe Frazier statue, commemorating him knocking down Muhammad Ali in 1971. “It’s a stunning likeness of me,” says the ghost of Joe Frazier. “Which is why I am going to sue your asses off.”
[-4] The owner of a Chinese restaurant in West Philly says his business has been suffering since the place was falsely accused of serving dog and cat meat. “I mean, we have gotten some new customers recently, but they’re always winking when they order. Creeps me out.”
[-3] A man carrying a gun in his waistband while riding on a SEPTA bus accidentally shoots himself in the leg and hand. “Damn! Thought I saw a coyote.”
[-4] While robbing a bar in West Oak Lane, a suspect accidentally fires his gun, narrowly missing a customer. “Sorry! Sorry! I’m late for my bus.”
[+1] Drexel alum Zach “Fun Size” Makovsky wins his Ultimate Fighting Championship debut as a flyweight. And a tiny candy bar.
This week’s total: -5 | Last week’s total: +3
