The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
8 jokes about this week's news.
[+5] Police officer Lt. Jonathan Josey, once caught on video allegedly punching a woman in the face, saves three people from a burning building in South Philadelphia. And then allegedly punches each of them in the face.
[+1] Researchers say a ship found at the site of the World Trade Center was likely built in 1773 in Philadelphia. “I should have known about this,” says Nicolas Cage from 2004’s National Treasure. “No, I should have known about it,” says Nicolas Cage from 2009’s Knowing. “Yeah, you both dropped the ball,” says Nicolas Cage from 2006’s World Trade Center.
[-3] Police find a body under a bed in a South Jersey motel that had likely been there for five years. "We take the 'Do not disturb' sign very, very seriously."
[+1] Bon Jovi will win this year’s Marian Anderson Award in recognition of his charitable works. “Whoa whoa,” says the singer, obviously choked up. “Whoa whoa, whoa whoa.”
[0] The state Supreme Court rules that people selling homes in Pennsylvania don’t have to disclose whether a murder, suicide or other traumatizing event has taken place there. “It would ruin the surprise,” says the ghost of the dude who was murdered in your bedroom 100 years ago tonight.
[0] According to a new study, Sixers fans are the most likely to abandon their team in the face of poor performance or a rise in ticket prices. “So let’s see what happens if we lower the prices and start winning games,” says whoever owns whatever team we’re talking about. The basketball one.
[+1] The owners of South Street rock club Legendary Dobbs say that the place is haunted by a ghost who moves things. “My bad,” says the ghost of Josiah Peale Dobbs. “I’m just digging through the old VHS tapes from the Pontiac Grille years. Modest Mouse was so math-rocky back then.”
[+3] Archbishop Charles Chaput announces that Pope Francis will visit Philly next year. Just a head’s up, Your Holiness: We have a pretty serious ghost infestation.
This week’s total: +8 | Last week’s total: -9
