The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
10 jokes about this week's news.
[-2] State legislators urge the Liquor Control Board to close the legal loophole that led to the pop-up beer garden craze. Has there been a rash of hammock- and cornhole-related injuries we don’t know about?
[0] Eagles player Keelan Johnson is arrested for allegedly shoving a police officer following a bar brawl in Arizona. Asks Johnson, “Would it help my case if I told you I was trying to grab his butt?”
[-1] Armed robbers steal $180,000 from Caesars Casino in Atlantic City. “Amateur hour,” says Phil Ivey.
[-2] Moody’s downgrades Pennsylvania’s bond rating from Aa2 to Aa3. Experts agree this is both a huge deal and not at all important.
[-2] Rapper A$AP Rocky is sued for $75,000 in damages for allegedly slapping a woman at last year’s Made in America concert. He is downgraded to AaRo¢ky :(.
[+1] Catholics gather at the Cathedral Basilica of Ss. Peter and Paul in Philly to pray in the presence of a holy relic — a vial of blood from Pope John Paul II. Now’s our chance to see whether he was saint doping.
[-1] A new L&I regulation requires large construction and demolition sites to add a sign with important information about the project. The main message of the signs will be “RUN.”
[-1] A man steals a police bicycle in South Philly and unsuccessfully tries to sell it in Northern Liberties. “I gotta admit,” says the bike, “it was nice to ride with the flow of traffic for once. And that guy didn’t take me up on the sidewalk, either.”
[0] SugarHouse Casino breaks ground on its $164 million expansion, which will add restaurants and a poker room. And a combined parking garage/day care complex.
[-1] Wary of disease, Gov. Corbett says Central American immigrant children coming to Pennsylvania should be taken care of and sent home. Yeah, we don’t want those kids getting into our water supply.
This week’s total: -9 | Last week’s total: -8
