The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
7 jokes about this week's news.
[0] A Delaware couple is accused of having sex on the roof of a Chipotle in Newark. Boo on you, local media, for trying to shame these impulsive, passionate, rather unscrupulous, decidedly unpicky, apparently not germophobic, tar-stained sweethearts. Haven’t you ever been in love?
[-3] Shalom Memorial Park, a Huntingdon Valley cemetery, is accused of overselling its plots, leaving not enough room even for prepaid burial plots. “You know who else oversold some plots? Everybody who told me to watch The Wire,” says cemetery manager. “But seriously. I’m in a lot of trouble, aren’t I?”
[-2] Inspectors visiting Philadelphia’s Veterans Affairs offices say they found old claims piling up in mail bins while other benefits were paid twice. “So it kind of evens out, right?” says the VA office manager. “But seriously. I’m a complete disgrace, aren’t I?”
[-2] Gov. Tom Corbett signs a state budget, but uses his line-item veto to strike $65 million in General Assembly funding. “I just like to cut things,” says the governor. “Sometimes I cut myself. But no blood comes out. Why doesn’t any blood come out?”
[0] According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the top salary earners in Philadelphia are sur-geons. “I agree,” says the Bureau of Not Overthinking Things. “Me, too,” says A. Doiee, lead analyst on the Common Sense Committee.
[0] The Wings lacrosse team announces plans to leave Philly after 28 years and six championships. What are we supposed to say? Ouch? This is a little like getting dumped by somebody you thought was dead.
[-1] Trump Plaza announces it will likely close, which would make it the third Atlantic City casino to do so recently. “Could that happen to us here in Philly, Papa Sugarhouse?” “Of course not, Still Unnamed Second Casino. We got it made forever and ever and ever.”
This week’s total: -8 | Last week’s total: -2
