The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
6 jokes about this week's news.
[0] Comcast CEO Brian Roberts, who earned $31.4 million in 2013, signs on for another year at the head of the cable giant. “What?! Dammit, I told them to cancel after the introductory offer expired!”
[-1] Hindu groups lobby Urban Outfitters to stop selling duvet covers featuring a likeness of the god Ganesha. “You mean our Elephant Dude Blankets? Shucks, everything we do seems to offend people,” says a lonely Urban Outfitters spokesperson. He blows on his tea, sips and sighs. “On the bright side, I suppose this will open up space to display our new line of Rhino Horn Personal Lubricants and Hitler Was KKKool onesies.”
[+1] New Fishtown restaurant Girard Brasserie and Bruncherie will offer a European setup for its employees, with better health benefits and higher wages in lieu of tips. Also, everybody there will stink like garbage and you won’t be able to understand a word they say. (Is this a joke about Europe or Fishtown? Bell Curve not sure.)
[0] The former bank building that was used as the set of Real World Philadelphia in 2004 is put up for sale for $4.3 million. Ooh, you can recreate all your favorite moments! Like when Karamo told everyone he’s gay. Or when Sarah told everyone she used to be bulimic. Or when Shavonda flirted with Landon but nothing happened but then it did. Or when Mel got crabs.
[-3] The Please Touch Museum may have to part with some of its assets and exhibits to pay off debts. “Unfortunately, a lot of our stuff’s in pretty bad shape. Kinda wishing all those grabby, germy little shits had kept their hands to themselves.”
[+1] Geno’s Steaks is hiding golden tickets inside some of its cheesesteak wrappers, with the winners getting a free steak, a tour of the kitchen and Phillies tickets. If you can make it through all three gauntlets without throwing up, the entire company will be yours, Charlie!
This week’s total: -2 | Last week’s total: -8
