The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
8 jokes about this week's news.
[-5] According to a new report from the American Society of Civil Engineers, Pennsylvania has the highest percentage of structurally deficient bridges in the country. But that number will eventually come down on its own.
[+2] The FDA approves a Philly-tested prosthetic device that works like a “robotic suit of armor.” OK, cue a montage of spinning newspapers and exploding monuments, then dissolve onto a wide shot of a crumbled cityscape. Insert Title Card: 2019 — An army of the mechanized disabled has driven the rest of humanity underground …
[-1] A 72-year-old Bucks County woman’s laptop explodes, spraying her with battery acid. And everybody agrees the .gif would have been hilarious.
[-3] The city defends its decision to forgive SEPTA’s $22 million tax debt, saying it was unlikely to win its lawsuit and collect the money. And SEPTA says it refuses to do the right thing and pay up because the city would just blow it all on school nurses.
[0] A Chicago company buys the parking garage beneath Love Park for $29.6 million and says it will replace all of its current employees with Teamsters. And then, once they’re all inside, the structure will be sealed off, because the Love Park Rat King demands a sacrifice.
[-1] Atlantic City’s Showboat casino announces it will close. “We did it!” says Revel.
[+1] The mayor of Atlantic City says his hometown’s future is in tourism and conventions, not casinos. “And after that: crime and despair. Probably some poignant photo essays about the state of the American dream or what have you.”
[-1] Local DJ Lee Mayjahs admits to having defaced the Kurt Vile mural in Fishtown and apologizes. Conspiracy theorists decry the whole thing as a marketing ploy, claiming Lee Mayjahs is just the fall guy.
This week’s total: -8 | Last week’s total: +2
