The Bell Curve: When news breaks, we make jokes
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
8 jokes about this week's news.
[0] Developer Bart Blatstein says his new South Philly project will be “a self-contained community where you will never want to leave.” Adding, “I’m not sure what to call it yet. I’m leaning toward either Hotel California Too, or the Piazza at Jonestown.”
[+3] The new Spruce Street Harbor space on the Delaware features a boardwalk, bocce court and a “hammock orchard.” See, now that sounds like a nice thing and we were specifically told we couldn’t have nice things.
[+3] Another great white shark is spotted off the coast of New Jersey, this time near Brigantine. “Yeah, it’s the ocean. I live in the ocean. Why don’t you relax?” says shark. “You taste better when you’re relaxed.”
[-3] A Philadelphia man arrested in South Jersey admits to burglarizing 100 vehicles recently. “I could’ve been the world’s greatest cat burglar,” he says. “But a typo sent me down the wrong path.”
[+1] According to a new tourism study, Phil-adelphia has moved up one spot to become the 13th most-visited city in the country. And that’s before you factor in our motherfucking hammock orchard.
[-1] Pennsylvania’s horse racing industry is in danger of a shutdown due to the diversion of funds and declining revenue. So, to answer your question, that’s why the long face.
[0] Former Mayor John Street joins a protest against the proposed PGW sale with a “just say no” chant. So, to answer your question, that’s who that was.
[-1] Conductor Peter Nero is being sued for defamation for calling his former employers at Philly Pops “crooks dressed in $3,000 suits” who “didn’t know a thing about the music business.” Harsh, but if there’s anybody who can stick it to those fat-cat squares, it’s a guy who raked in a half-million bucks a year doing “That’s Amore.”
This week’s total: +2 | Last week’s total: -7
