Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
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Also this issue: Replay The Mountain Goats Neil Michael Hagerty Gina Scipione Fast Horse Summer Hootenanny |
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July 25-31, 2002
music
Summer Monsters
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Area2, with Moby, David Bowie, Busta Rhymes, Carl Cox, John Digweed, DJ Tiesto, DJ Tim Skinner, Blue Man Group, Ash and Dieselboy, Tue., July 30, 3:30 p.m., $35-$75, at the Tweeter Center, Mickle Blvd. and Riverside Dr., Camden, 215-336-2000
Kingdom: Blissful
Phylum: Nerdy
Class: Middle white
Plumage: None
Courtship behavior: Rubs head, says, "My great-great-grand-uncle or something was Herman Melville." Likes to score.
Battle cry: "We are all made of stars!"
Primary weapons: Electronically produced beats, overactive brain, soft voice that can lull you into a coma
Special powers: Can slip anyone E at any time
Weaknesses: Vegan treats, Gwen Stefani duets, television commercial offers
The trash talk: "The weird thing is that I actually do think that Eminem has skills as an MC, but it disturbs me that he glorifies homophobia and misogyny in his songs, especially seeing as his listeners are, for the most part, very impressionable 10-year-old boys."
Field notes: In a flat-out brawl, or even just a pillow fight, Moby will likely die at the hands of Eminem very, very, very quickly. His only hope is to outsmart his opponent, possibly by running through a revolving door.
The Anger Management Tour, with Eminem, Papa Roach, Ludacris, Xzibit and The X-Ecutioners, Thu., July 25, 6:30 p.m., $29.50-$39.50, at the Tweeter Center, Mickle Blvd. and Riverside Dr., Camden, 215-336-2000
Kingdom: Vicious Phylum: Suburban Class: Middle white
Plumage: bleached-blond crewcut, Dr. Dre's hand-me-down jumpsuits
Courtship behavior: Flails arms, yells, "Shut up bitch! I'm tryin' to talk!" This is also his courtroom behavior.
Battle cry: "This looks like a job for me!"
Primary weapons: Electronically produced beats, obscenities, nasal voice that can make you rip out your eyes just to stuff them into your ears
Special powers: Can rhyme "tits off" with "Kris Kross"
Weaknesses: Drugs, alcohol, other famous people, attention
The trash talk: "You 36-year-old bald-headed sailor. You don't know me, but you won't let go. But it's over, no one listens to techno."
Field notes: To win this battle, Eminem needs only to hit Moby. In the face, the neck, the abdomen -- pretty much anywhere should do the trick. It is possible that Slim will then eat the corpse, as this will cause more gawking, which is, it seems, the source of his strength.
--Patrick Rapa
