How to talk dirty without sounding cheesy

Hearing the right word is enough to rev my engine.

Carnalcopia podcast hosts Katie Mack (left) and Ashley Manta

For some people — I'm raising my hand! — talking dirty comes easily, the way getting on stage does for performers. It's part of our sexual makeup. For me, hearing the right dirty word, or even just my name said in a rough growl or sweet moan by the right person, is enough to rev my engine.

But for others, the very idea of uttering anything remotely approaching "dirty words" makes them freeze up. So after listening to Carnalcopia podcast hosts Ashley Manta and Katie Mack discuss their vastly different approaches to sexy banter, I asked them to share their advice.

First, know there's no inherently wrong or right thing to say. This is not about a magic word that will suddenly unlock the key to great sex. It's about figuring out what will get you going. For some, it's about being called a "filthy whore," while for others it's being told how sexy the curve of their shoulder is.

On the podcast, Mack praises a lover who texted her saying his thoughts had wandered to her curves. Was this an explicit missive? No, but it was genuine, and free of expectations. Says Mack, "What made that text so memorable for me was what happened next: nothing. There had been such an element of coercion to the dirty talk I had been exposed to, that the act itself had begun to feel very pressuring."

In other words, don't start dirty talk just because you want it to lead to some preconceived outcome. You can't rush it. The magic happens when you both let go and see where sexy chat takes you. (This goes for phone sex, too.) You don't need a script, because everyone is different. For Mack, "penis is not a dirty word," but for someone else, it very well may be.

You have to actually converse, not just toss out your favorite XXX vocabulary and hope something sticks.
Manta, a sex educator, says she got her start with cyber sex in AOL chat rooms at age 12. Then, she says, "In college, I had a boyfriend who wanted to have phone sex. I had to teach myself how to say the things I'd only ever had said to me by others. It felt awkward at first. I found myself tripping over words and blushing profusely. The more I did it, the easier it became."

Now, she's the author of A Feminist's Guide to Phone Sex and gives classes on aural pleasure. Her top tips? "Be present. Notice what's going on for you, in your body, then reflect it back to your partner. It's an exercise in mindfulness and communication. Lean into your edges, but don't push too hard. Paint a picture with your words. Describe every detail, every sensation."

Her advice is simple and dirty talk can be, too. You don't have to paint an elaborate 20-minute fantasy (though if you want to, by all means do); it's as much about how you say things as what you say. Maybe instead of taking your clothes off quickly, tell your partner, "Undress me." Or coax them to talk with leading questions like "Where should I kiss you next?"

From there, you can get more risque, but there are limits, especially if you're talking about an edgy fantasy that's pure fantasy.

"In most cases, it's obvious," Manta says. "I don't actually want to have sex with Uncle Bob or my kindergarten teacher. If you think there's any chance that your partner may mistake fantasy for something you want to experience in real life, make sure you clarify the parameters."

Dirty-talk time should be a safe space to explore what turns you on — "out there" or not — and learn what your partner's been thinking but might not know is OK to say out loud.

✚ Rachel Kramer Bussel is the author of the essay collection Sex & Cupcakes and editor of over 50 erotica anthologies, most recently Hungry for More and The Big Book of Submission.