Love the one you’re with — and the one they’re with, too

"Polyamory Weekly" podcaster Cunning Minx.

In our culture, romantic love all too often is equated with "one true love." Society's dominant messages strongly push us to believe that one person will complete us, a la Jerry Maguire. But open relationships also have wonderful ways of showing love, both sexual and platonic, in a way that is equally fulfilling.

To explore this more, I asked several poly­amorous people about their relationships with their metamours (essentially, the partners of their partner or partners). I'll use Cunning Minx, "Polyamory Weekly" podcaster and author of Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up, as an example. She's in a long-term relationship with LustyGuy, who is married to L; therefore, Minx and L are metamours. In that traditional "one true love" world, they would be rivals. But rather than defaulting to jealousy, poly people expand love to encompass more than one person.

So in Minx, LustyGuy and L's case, they've all gone on vacation together. On "Polyamory Weekly," Minx told L on the air, "The main reason this relationship [with LustyGuy] has worked for me is because you are so secure." There's something heartwarming to me about that, especially because jealousy has been an issue for me in similar situations. The trio also does a weekly relationship check-in to go over any issues that may have come up, something all relationships could benefit from.

There are no one-size-fits-all rules for how much contact to have with a metamour. Rebecca Hiles is married and has four metamours, including her husband's girlfriend, who lives with them. Of her metamours, she says, "Sometimes we bond almost instantly, and it's like gaining a new friend. Sometimes it's like when your best friend has a boyfriend that you're cordial with, but not close to."

It's not always love — or friendship — at first sight. Lyndzi Miller said of a recent partner, "When I first started dating him, I assumed his wife hated me. It was my first poly relationship. I couldn't grasp that another person was able to like the girl their husband was dating." Six months in, the women bonded over knitting, getting so close that, "even after they got a divorce and my relationship with him evolved into a close friendship, she and I are still friends who knit together," says Miller.

Kevin, who's been married for eight years, doesn't have a "pressing need" to meet his wife's partners, "as long as she's being safe and responsible." But he was pleased when the partner of a woman he was dating complimented him at a party. "He actually thanked me for being great to our shared girlfriend," Kevin recalled. "It was really touching. I felt like a valued member of the team."

KB has discovered that she has to have an emotional connection with her partner, "even if it's just for playtime." That means that she's best friends with her boyfriend's wife, and said, "I love her like a sister. Helping her through her breast-cancer diagnosis, treatment and reconstruction was hard, but I wouldn't trade being able to support them like I did for anything."

Sometimes, metamours cross the line from friends to lovers, as happened to Malin James when she wound up dating both halves of a male/female couple. Her relationship with the woman, F, was "very relaxing," while her time with the man, P, was "emotionally intense."

Recalled James, "She and I would go to a woman-only sauna and steam ourselves pink, or have long sushi dinners or sit around reading together in bed. It was the diametric opposite of my relationship to P, which often involved drinks, dinner, kink and interesting, intelligent conversation."

Not everyone wants a buddy-buddy relationship with their metamours. Dave, who's married with two secondary partners, says, "I don't expect to become 'part of the family' when I meet someone new." So while he gets along with the husband of one woman he's dating, he explains, "We are not friends by any stretch."

Emotion and intimacy can extend beyond sex and romance, and, as these metamours show, can strengthen a love that already exists.

✚ Rachel Kramer Bussel is the author of the essay collection Sex & Cupcakes and editor of over 50 erotica anthologies. She tweets @raquelita.