Swingers are speaking out and changing the traditional rules

If "swingers" brings to mind the time a couple tried to pick up Don and Megan on Mad Men, then you're living in the past. Modern swinging is about more than wife swapping. Those in "the lifestyle" are speaking out, revamping the traditional rules and even organizing vacations around it.

Cooper Beckett didn't set out to become a swinger, let alone a voice for the community with his group podcast "Life on the Swingset" and accompanying blog, which are so popular they organize an annual trip to a Cancun resort so listeners can put their theory into practice (as well as play Cards Against Humanity in a hot tub, something I'd love to try).

The self-described geek planned to marry his high school sweetheart and live happily ever after. He didn't marry her, but he did get married, and 10 years in, something was missing. "I agonized over why my 'I want to fuck that girl' drive would so quickly kick in when I'd meet a new female friend" is how he describes it in his new book, My Life on the Swingset.

Beckett plucked up the courage to broach the topic with his wife and she agreed to explore. So, uncertain what the outcome would be, they joined a swingers website. No, their first swinging date didn't lead to instant bed-hopping (that happened on date two), but it did transform their relationship, infusing it with an energy and passion that had disappeared. They divorced, but his interest in swinging remained.

Now, the Chicago resident is in a long-term relationship with primary partner Ophilia, though both are "free agents." They each have outside relationships and also swing together, and signed a relationship contract whose rules may surprise you. "We are both avid watchers of NBC's Hannibal, and if I were to watch an episode with a paramour, it would be in major violation of our contract."

According to Beckett, the traditional difference between swinging and polyamory is that the former focuses on sex, the latter on relationships, though there can be overlap. Swingers may also practice polyamory, and vice versa.

He says the biggest misconception about swinging is that it's only about anonymous sex. "This weird hookup netherworld behind VIP doors in clubs and key parties in homes really doesn't happen very much," he explains. "Most swingers are very standard suburban folk with families and jobs and kids."

What's also changed is a greater openness to men exploring sex with other men, a notorious no-no of old-school swinging. He writes that it's still "an uphill climb as the reviled bi male," but that many men who check the "straight" box on swinging profiles are indeed open to bi exploration, but not ready to openly claim that desire.

Swinging is not for everyone, nor is it a cure-all for a failing relationship. But because our culture pushes us to assume that there's "the one" for us, and only that one, many people internalize shame over even contemplating swinging or non-monogamy. Says Beckett, "The question is whether or not this fantasy is a passing thing, or if it's liable to grow and consume us. If we'll never be able to let the fantasy go, then it's very likely going to cause major issues in our relationship."

What I appreciate most about Beckett's candor is that while he's eager to share the joy of swinging, he isn't holding it up as a way to bypass jealousy. "I get jealous all the time," he admits. "The idea that we can somehow completely rid ourselves of jealousy is a rather foolish pipe dream. Too often, we allow it to consume our lives. What we can do is work to reduce our reaction to jealousy."

It's very easy to use labels as a way to separate people into tidy categories of us versus them. We tend to assume "marriage" means monogamy, although that need not be true. Another falsehood is that those who practice monogamy live in another relationship universe than those who don't.

I expected Beckett's top piece of advice for someone curious about swinging to focus on the ins and outs of negotiating couples' hookups. Instead, he told me, "Treat your partner better than you want to be treated." That strikes me as a fitting way for all of us to start the new year.

Rachel Kramer Bussel is the author of the essay collection Sex & Cupcakes and editor of over 50 erotica anthologies, most recently Hungry for More and The Big Book of Submission.