When it comes to sex, don't tell me where to get pleasure

Maybe us BJ-giving fans are misunderstood.

Raul Queue

Earlier this year, French GQ sex columnist Maïa Mazaurette told The Cut, a New York magazine site that focuses on fashion, culture and beauty, that in her country, "It is extremely weird to have just a blowjob. Why would I do that? I don't have pleasure in my mouth."

Her comment stayed with me because, to put it bluntly, I do get pleasure in my mouth when I give blowjobs, so much so that some lovers have accused me of preferring BJs over intercourse. Blowjobs turn me on like nothing else, not in a selfless way, but with actual, physical results.

Yet, like Mazaurette, I'm troubled by the assumption that women want to give head and expect nothing in return, and that cultural conversations about oral sex assume rigid gender roles. In truth, plenty of men enjoy giving BJs and women/genderqueer people like getting them.

So I turned to Raul Queue, a gay male HIV educator and social-media strategist, to get his perspective.
"They actually shouldn't be called blowjobs, they should be called blowjoys. For a lot of gay men, head is expected with no questions asked, upon first meeting," he explains. "At the end of a date or hangout, someone's cock will end up in someone's mouth. I don't see that in straight relationships."

The pleasure, Queue says, ranges from "the taste of salty, sweaty skin on your tongue" to "the forcefulness of his grip on your head, and guttural groans. There's something about having a man's most prized possession in the palm of your hands or just so close to your teeth, plus the vulnerability he allows you — all while he thinks you're the one submitting to him."

But head-givers need to be aware of the sexually transmitted infections you can acquire. Queue recommends you "know your risk spectrum and risk-reduction strategies — such as no flossing or brushing your teeth immediately before or after. If you're sucking casual dick on the regular, make sure to get tested every three months. Ask your sexual-health clinician for a throat swab test for gonorrhea and chlamydia."

Queue's advice for giving a BJ your partner will remember? "Whether it's your first time or your 500th, if you don't feel you know what you're doing, don't be afraid to ask his guidance. He knows what makes his dick feel good. While most men want to look like experts to save face, it won't hurt your pride to listen to his advice about his body."

Sophie Delancey, whose business is blowjobs, as a performer and director/vice president of TheArtofBlowjob.com, says she finds arousal in giving another person pleasure.

"Empathy can be an incredible aphrodisiac. The mind is a sexual organ, too. Being responsible for someone else's arousal and orgasm is a very erotic kind of power, and using that to tease and play is really hot," she says.

I've been in several situations in which my love of giving head was eagerly appreciated in the moment, but afterward was turned against me. Somehow, to these dates, it meant I couldn't be a good girlfriend. This kind of slut-shaming is part of the disturbing messages women receive: Be good at sex, but don't be too eager or knowledgeable. Heaven forbid!
Queue says the opposite is true in the gay community, but "sometimes there's a level of self-shame in the more traditional-minded gay men after they hook up or suck cock on the first date."

Maybe us BJ-giving fans are misunderstood because others think they, too, will be expected to revel in every inch of man meat that enters their mouth. Trust me: I have no vested interest in what anyone else does in bed. If BJ's aren't your bag, focus on what does turn you on. But don't tell me how to get off.

✚ Rachel Kramer Bussel is the author of the essay collection Sex & Cupcakes and editor of over 50 erotica anthologies, most recently Hungry for More and The Big Book of Submission.