The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
Listen, kids: You'll have plenty of time to be a mindless shithead in Manayunk when you're older.
[-2] Two teenagers are caught on video causing $20,000 to $30,000 worth of damage to Manayunk’s recently refurbished Venice Island Park. Listen, kids: You’ll have plenty of time to be a mindless shithead in Manayunk when you’re older.
[+2] The Police Department is awarded a $320,000 federal grant to expand its data science program to include “hypothesis testing.” Situation 1: If an immigrant shopkeeper files a complaint that officers have been shaking him down for cash, does that shop catch fire in the middle of the night?
[-1] Former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum says he’s once again considering a run for president in 2015 and will make an announcement in June. “Oh, honey, no. Never happen. You’re just too creepy,” says his wife. “Aw, shucks. Well, as a consolation prize, may I perform the marital act upon you?” asks Santorum. “Same answer,” says wife.
[+1] Comcast opens a 4,000 square-foot “Xfinity Store” in Northeast Philadelphia where peo-ple can pay their bills, return equipment and try out products. You mean the customer-service reps are right there, within hugging distance? And there’s no protective glass or anything? Well, that’s interesting.
[-1] Center City personality Philly Jesus is arrested at Dilworth Park for disorderly conduct. Meanwhile, well-known skaterpunk Barabbas is released at the urging of a small mob in Love Park.
[0] Doug Oliver, who was Mayor Nutter’s spokesman from 2008 to 2010 and now works as VP of marketing for PGW, says he is considering a run for mayor. Well, sir, you must be quite skilled at marketing! We’ve asked around and it seems like everybody in Philadelphia uses your gas company.
[-1] Chaka Fattah says the city should have a “Bill Cosby Month,” honoring the come-dian. Just a kind word from one guy who hasn’t been charged with a crime to another.
This week’s total: -2 | Last week’s total: +7
