The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
Hey, thank you Mr. President for telling all my new friends and co-workers about my meth days.
[+1] President Obama pardons a Bucks County woman who was convicted of conspiracy to manufacture and distribute meth in 1984. “Well, I served 90 days 30 years ago, so it’s not really an issue,” she says. “But, hey, thank you Mr. President for telling all my new friends and co-workers about my meth days.”
[0] A new city climate-change report says Philadelphia can expect milder winters and more 95-degree-plus days by the year 2100. You’re welcome, spoiled brats of the future. Greatest generation!
[-2] A stolen viola, possibly worth $9,000, is found smashed in a vacant lot in West Philadelphia. Cue sadviolin.wav.
[+1] A French observation-deck company plans to open one on One Liberty Place. Unfortunately, it’ll be downwind of the XFinity Upper Decker at the Comcast Center.
[0] New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie appears on 94 WIP sports radio and says Eagles fans yelled “fairly unspeakable things” at him during a recent game. Hey everybody, this asshole thinks he deserves better treatment than Santa Claus!
[-1] A Philadelphia Fire Department paramedic draws the ire of Philly cops for posting what some have called racist and anti-police rants and images on his Instagram account. “Yes, yes, fight amongst yourselves,” say Fire and Crime, who are good friends.
[0] According to the New York Times, the Philadelphia area pays 160 percent more than the national average in alimony payments. Listen, TV execs: The housewives of the Main Line are real. You might as well film them.
[0] The Lyft ride-share company is approved to operate in Pennsylvania, but not Philadelphia. Cause we never paid for a mustache ride and we never will. Happy Holidays, everybody!
This week’s total: -1 | Last week’s total: -7
