The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
If it's not actually against the law to be reliable and clean, then it should be.
[ -1 ] A former writer for the Fat Albert TV show alleges Bill Cosby hired two of his colleagues to write the comedian’s doctoral thesis in 1972. “I dictated most of it,” admits Weird Harold. “Ebbin I transcribibbed ibitt,” sighs Mushmouth. “I’m sobo ashambibbed.”
[ +2 ] Entrepreneur Elon Musk outlines his plans for a “Hyperloop Transportation” system to take passengers from Philly to New York City in 10 minutes. Also it kills them.
[ 0 ] Forty-five city taxi companies file a joint lawsuit against Uber, calling the company brazenly illegal. “And if it’s not actually against the law to be reliable and clean, then it should be.”
[ -2 ] Two women are caught trying to steal from the Cherry Hill Mall by hiding merchandise under a toddler in a stroller. “Yeah, yeah, goo goo gah gah. Dere’s no way I’m da master-mind of this operation, I’m just a fuckin’ baby over here.”
[ -1 ] Zoning issues are stalling plans to build a museum and theater dedicated to Oscar Hammerstein II in Doylestown. The hills are alive with the sound of variances not yet being granted for land-use designations!
[ +4 ] Two SEPTA transit officers help deliver a baby on the Market-Frankford El on Christmas Day. And bust the child for fare evasion.
[ +1 ] A young Flyers fan reacts in disgust after being given a Penguins jersey for Christmas as a joke, and the video goes viral. Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, a hideous mumps-ridden child poops itself and cries and drinks pee from a baby bottle. You suck, Sidney Crosby.
[ +3 ] Beloved SEPTA bus driver Eugene “Smitty” Smith retires after 36 years. “My only regret,” he says, “is that I spent half my life steering this hulking wreck up and down the same pockmarked stretch of asphalt, just to deliver these soulless, blank-eyed automatons from one meaningless map-smudge to another.” Classic Smitty.
This week’s total: +6 | Last week’s total: -1
