The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
I'd like to thank the criminals who showed real restraint this year.
[+1] Forbes magazine announces that its annual “Under 30 Summit” will continue to take place in Philadelphia for the foreseeable future. This year’s featured speakers include the dude who wrote How to Sue for Your Inheritance — Now! and some smug little shit who made an app that counts carbs or crabs or something.
[-2] SEPTA Police are investigating a message found in a Frankford station restroom which reads “Shoot SEPTA cops” in shaky blue marker. There were many clues nearby, including several phone numbers, but so far all the leads ended in a good time.
[-1] A Delaware man charged with forging his grandmother’s signature on checks apologizes to her on Facebook. Then he logs onto her account and clicks “like.”
[+3] A dog named Kara is returned to its West Philly home after being on the run since 2012. “Hey. Still got the futon, I see,” says Kara. “But hey, those look like some nice new milk-crate ottomans. Very classy.”
[+3] Homicides and violent crime are on a sharp decline in Philadelphia, a trend Mayor Nutter attributes to work done by law enforcement and community groups. “But most of all, I’d like to thank the criminals who showed real restraint this year.”
[+1] A Philly.com video crew records a local man doing 1,000 crunches on his 90th birthday. So far it has over a million cringes.
[-2] White supremacist band Aggravated Assault allegedly books a show at the clubhouse of the Outlaws motorcycle gang in Kensington. Everyone agrees it could be an ugly scene if the band doesn’t learn “O Dem Golden Slippers” in time.
[-2] A Delaware County school is placed under lockdown after an anonymous threat is made on the social media site Yik Yak. Look, we feel bad saying this, but: The Unabomber was kinda right about some things.
This week’s total: +1 | The year so far: +1
