The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
Hope you sell a zillion space helmets.
[+1] Television personality The Cake Boss says he will open a bakery in the Rittenhouse Square area. Uh, pretty sure it’s spelled “kake,” shithead.
[+1] Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey was in Washington for a policing task force summit, which included a public “listening session” on ways to improve police relations with the public. “Oh right. The police brutality thing. Ferguson and such. That was what, a couple years ago at this point?” says the public. “Two months? Really? Huh.”
[0] The Florida developer who paid $95 million for the former Revel Casino says he plans to build a water park on the property. “Hey, Margie, how ’bout we hang our towels on that there Chihuly and jump in the lazy river for one more go round? I gotta pee.”
[+2] State regulators say they’ll push for the city to increase the pace of its 88-year schedule to replace gas mains. “Have you gone mad?” replies an outraged city. “We must assemble the ceremonial PGW piano one key per year as it is written in the ancient books. If we go any faster, we won’t be able to play the Sewer Concerto to dedicate the new pipes, and the gods of the undercity will wreak their vengeance upon us all.”
[+1] A Center City electronics manufacturer, the Neat Co., says it expects its profile to be boosted considerably after being featured on NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice. And look at that, you got a mention in Bell Curve. Hope you sell a zillion space helmets or whatever it is.
[+2] A rare half-male/half-female butterfly is discovered at the Academy of Natural Sciences’ butterfly exhibit. Scientists are amazed at how quickly it calls itself out for taking up two seats on the subway.
This week’s total: +7 | The year so far: +8
