The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
"For the last time: I'm not a groundhog, I'm TV weather personality Sheena Parveen."
[0] Punxatawney Phil sees his shadow, predicting six more weeks of winter. “For the last time: I’m not a groundhog, I’m TV weather personality Sheena Parveen.”
[+1] Pro wrestler Mick Foley is ejected from Wing Bowl for attempting to hide uneaten wings in his fanny pack. And thus was the integrity of the sport secured.
[-2] Three 27-year-old women are injured when bricks crash through the roofof a Center City Lululemon Athletica store. And thus was the market research confirmed.
[0] The Sixers say they’re about to unveil a new team mascot, designed after consulting more than 1,000 children from the area. “Ladies and gentleman, let’s welcome your new Sixers mascot, a whole bunch of dumb fucking characters from Frozen all sewn together!”
[+1] The American Bible Society announces plans to relocate its headquarters to Philadelphia and is considering opening a “Bible Discovery Center” public attraction. You know, if you only read about us in the Bible, Philadelphia seems like a pretty nice place to live.
[0] Fox 29 reports that several Philadelphia firefighters and paramedics have been accused of having sex with another paramedic on city-owned equipment. And everyone agrees — it’s the hottest fucking thing they’ve ever heard in their whole lives.
[0] City Council hopeful Ori Feibush registers several URLs incorporating his rival’s name, like kenyattajohnson.com. At press time, orifeibush.com still redirects you to The Chive.
[+2] TV chef Anthony Bourdain visits beloved Camden cheesesteak bar Donkey’s Place in Camden. “For the last time: I’m not Anthony Bourdain, I’m just a grumpy little porcupine who wanted a sandwich.”
This week’s total: +2 | The year so far: +12
