The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
Say, have you tried following this trail of bones and little pink corgi hats?
[+1] Mayor Nutter makes L&I the purview of public safety rather than commerce, and creates the “chief safety officer” position. “Aha!” says City Controller Alan Butkovitz, for reasons he will explain in a press conference tomorrow.
[-2] Two more principals from the Philly School District are charged in the standardized test cheating scandal. “Hahaha y u haf too bee a cheeter, dum prinsiples?!!1” tweets one former student.
[+1] Philly churches in Fishtown and Overbrook, are “de-consecrated” and may now be put to “profane but not sordid use.” “How profane?” asks Sean Agnew. “I need a venue for this G.G. Allin tribute band. Bad Luck 13 is opening.”
[-2] According to newly released documents, as many as 50 state officials may have sent or received pornographic emails. “We were just trying to help each other masturbate,” they explain.
[+2] Two Philly churches pledge to offer sanctuary to illegal immigrants in danger of being deported. “How much sanctuary?” asks Sean Agnew. “I want to book this North Korean punk band I know. Vanilla Isis is opening.”
[-1] A Bella Vista woman asks for help in finding her escaped pet boa constrictor, Ripley. Say, have you tried following this trail of bones and little pink corgi hats?
[-1] One of the suspects in the gay-bashing attack is fired from her hospital job for posting patient information online. “WTF. It’s like everybody forgot I’m a cute white blond chick. #FML”
[+2] Customs officials at the airport intercept luggage containing khapra beetles, one of the most destructive insects in the world. “Shit. Now who’s going to headline my invasive-species showcase?” says Sean Agnew. “P.S. Kudzu and the Snakehead Fishes are opening.”
This week’s total: 0 | Last week’s total: 0
