The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
"It's because we drove crazy on purpose, to injure him."
[-2] The city says it will look to repair its police wagons after settling a $490,000 case with a man whose neck was broken during a ride in 2011. “It wasn’t the wagon’s fault that guy got injured,” says Joe, the Most Honest Cop in Town. “It’s because we drove crazy on purpose, to injure him.” You’re too honest, Joe.
[-2] A U.S. District judge rules that the Philly Fire Department no longer needs adhere to a 1975 ruling that favored hiring African-Americans, since the department is now more than 25 percent black. “This will be a new thing I do,” says the judge. “I’ll just start getting rid of laws because they work. Holy shit, is this going to be fun.”
[-3] A Comcast customer says his complaints about poor service led to the cable company talking to the accounting firm he worked for and getting him fired. “This man was difficult. Do you see what happens when you are difficult?” says Lord Comcast, suddenly appearing on your television. “America, you have been warned: Pay your bills. Upgrade to HD. Submit to the Triple Play. Do all of these things or we will find out where you work and have you fucking fired.”
[-5] The Philadelphia School Reform Commission exercises its “nuclear option” and cancels its teachers contract. Classes will now be taught by irradiated mutants who don’t expect free health-care coverage.
[0] Philadelphia Federation of Teachers president Jerry Jordan calls the SRC’s surprise move “cowardly.” Now he glows green and has no free health-care coverage.
[0] Former Comcast security exec Joseph Clancy is named interim director of the Secret Service. “We now control the White House,” says Lord Comcast, his head suddenly appearing on your cell phone. “This is for your own good. Tomorrow, a sales representative will call you and offer the Xfinity Business Bundle. You will accept this offer. You will accept all offers from now on.”
This week’s total: -12 | Last week’s total: 0
