The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
She likes to invite people over, like, 'Hey, wanna watch Ripley eat a mouse embryo?'
[-1] A Real Housewives of Philadelphia TV show is said to be in the planning stages. But how real? Are we talking Gladwyne leatherfaces clinking cocktails at the country club? Or moms in rollers ashing into an empty Turkey Hill tub on the stoop at 16th and Shunk? Because the Main Line is embarrassing.
[0] Christian group Created Equal will show graphic abortion videos on a big screen set up on Independence Mall on a continuous loop for four hours on Friday. You know, if you guys hate abortions so much, why didn’t your tiny cameraman stop any of them while he was up there?
[+1] Philly Police agree to fulfill weed activist Michael Whiter’s request to be the first person cited under the city’s new relaxed marijuana laws. “I’m like the Dr. Cornel West of shit that doesn’t matter,” explains Whiter.
[+1] A passenger on a plane from Philly to the Dominican Republic jokes that he has Ebola, leading to an investigation by health officials and the man being promptly returned to the U.S. “Back in the day I woulda said I had a bomb,” says the Unknown Airplane Comedian. “But you gotta keep things fresh, you know?”
[+1] After being missing for two weeks, a Bella Vista woman’s pet boa Ripley is found behind her own stove. “I just needed some alone time,” says Ripley. “Listen. When somebody owns a snake that’s all they want to talk about, you know? She likes to invite people over, like, ‘Hey, wanna watch Ripley eat a mouse embryo?’ Behind the stove was the first time in weeks when I could just sit and relax and read a book. It was nice. A little me time.”
[0] A man is arrested for allegedly running a makeshift Rite Aid out of his Hunting Park home by selling goods stolen from the drug-store chain. “Damn, I really liked shopping at Wrong Aid,” says a neighbor. “Now I guess I’ll have to take my business to CVF.”
This week’s total: +2 | Last week’s total: -12
