The Bell Curve: Our weekly quality-of-life-o-meter
Please note: This article is published as an archive copy from Philadelphia City Paper. My City Paper is not affiliated with Philadelphia City Paper. Philadelphia City Paper was an alternative weekly newspaper in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The last edition was published on October 8, 2015.
Once, my own grandma thought I was a noodle and twirled me on a fork.
[-2] The Philadelphia Parking Authority threatens to shut down Uber’s less expensive service, UberX, saying the drivers are dangerous and unlicensed. “But, you know, it’s really just the license part we give a shit about.”
[0] Ex-Philly mob boss Joseph “Skinny Joey” Merlino is sent back to prison for four months for violating the terms of his probation in Florida. “No jail can hold me because I’m so skinny!” he says. “But seriously I’ve been mistaken for a shoelace. I was a worm for Halloween a couple years back. Once, my own grandma thought I was a noodle and twirled me on a fork. But super seriously: Prison is scary.”
[+2] The Malvern-based creators of Emer-genSee — an app that notifies loved ones and emergency responders if the user is in danger — fail to woo the Sharks on ABC’s Shark Tank. Sadly, the Sharks were kidnapped later that evening and had no way to contact their loved ones, except for the normal ways you can do that when you have a phone.
[+1] State Police use a camera on a tethered Mylar balloon to search for suspected cop-killer Eric Frein. “Congratulations? Why that’s certainly a nice thing to say, Mister Balloon. I’m not sure how it applies to me, but I think it’s swell and so I will not shoot you out of the sky.”
[-1] Masked gunmen steal $16,000 from a Chickie’s & Pete’s in Drexel Hill. “I know, I know,” says a waitress, coughing up a cloud of Old Bay. “The money’s coming out of our tips.”
[-3] Supreme Court Justice Seamus McCaffery, suspended for his alleged involvement in a porn email scandal, announces his retirement. From: FamousSeamus@pacourts.us. Subject: Goodbye. Attachment: disrobing.mov.
This week’s total: -3 | Last week’s total: -7
